Ruby Cartel

Trashed

2009-05-09T10:14:00.001-07:00

One of the side effects of being cripplingly shy is that it's very difficult to bring up 'feelings'. This translates to that whenever i get drunk the bottled emotions and thoughts come pouring out and all i can do is listen in amazement at what is being said.

I asked The Housemate where things were going last night. I also told him that I loved him. Problem is i don't remember much of what happened, only that i started crying, he comforted me, i ran to the bathroom to be sick and then we had sex twice.

This morning all i could remember as he lay next to me was that he had said he didn't love me and i cried silently beside him. (I really don't want to be on the pill anymore, it's making my emotions go haywire) This afternoon i was telling an anecdote which he stopped me midway through, gently reminding me that i'd told it him last night, when i was trashed. I admitted i couldn't remember much, apart from the one thing. So he put me right. Apparently he said that he doesn't want to label it (which i concur with) and that he isn't in love with me. However, he said he is very very fond of me and doesn't want to do what we do with anyone else.

The anti-love thing is a throwback to his ol' Emotionally-damaged-don't-feel-nuthin-no-more thing, which i know, deep down, is total bullshit and just him scared of admitting it. I'm not clamoring for a boyfriend, i guess i just wanted some reassurance of how he's feeling. Problem with him is that he's like the lyrics of one of his infernal songs. It's all subtext and i'm getting better at reading it. When he says he's 'Very very fond', wraps me in his arms and wont let me go, it means a lot more than he's letting on, and the inferrence from him is that i should be able to pick up on it.

It's a big leap forward from our last conversation all those months ago. I guess this just comes down to baby steps, one step at a time. For now, however, i am his and he is mine.

p.s. Drunken sex can be dangerous when the alcohol is preventing you from feeling pain. I'm still do darn tight and finding blood and pain the next morning is not fun.

Domestication

2009-04-22T08:47:00.000-07:00

It's been an age and i've been neglecting this - the reason being that instead of writing down my life i've been living it. The Housemate and I have limited time together and i've been making the most of it as possible.

Last week the rest of the boys went off on rugby tour leaving the two of us alone. It was... well... wonderful. I've never been so casually groped in my life, cuddling on the sofa, holding hands... It got to the point where I was almost thinking; Gosh, this wouldn't be so bad. I could do this for a while. He's shy in public and just the two of us being together gave him the opportunity to relax and be himself. We've even started casually kissing as a way of saying goodbye - this from the man for whom frenching is saved for very special occasions.

He's started to talk about seeing my parents and visiting me in Oxford next year. He texts me during the day even though he's going to see me in a couple of hours, when he gets into one of his terrible moods he apologizes in advance and lets me know why so i don't worry.

The idea of having to leave him in a few months hurts more than i can possibly convey, i'm clinging to the idea that when my Oxford business is up and running i can open another shop in London and hopefully set up home here.

My Sister: He's so in love with you.
Me: I know, it's bizzare, what do i do?
My Sister: You don't have to do anything sweetheart, that's the point!

Btw

2009-03-16T19:12:00.000-07:00

Oh, and I scooped another attached man. Nothing further than making out though, so i don't think it really counts, right?

Ah, who the fuck am i kidding.

Don't worry, it was very stealthy

2009-03-16T19:09:00.000-07:00

Me: I have such an Indian fetish right now.
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah... that's probably why I let that Indian guy finger me on the union balcony.
Friend: What?!
Me: It's cool, i know him.

Conkers

2009-02-26T08:48:00.000-08:00

I'll get to what happened on Valentines later. First i have some good news and some bad news.

The bad news is that The Housemate had sex with the American. Once. It was before we did and not since. Apparently everyone knew this and the inference was that i was supposed to know too. It came up during a post-coital conversation about how my newly discovered sexual techniques were coming along and The Housemate told me that i was better than her. (oh, and the best head he's ever had ftw) Truth be told i feel a little sickened. I think back to the nights i saw them together, the times he didn't come home and then the sudden avoidance of her.

The sickness aside i can't really be angry about it. It was back during the awkward and rocky non-exclusive time, (that, looking back on, i'm impressed i got out of so well) and i've done worse since. During that time i was kissing boys and girls and collecting phone numbers. Since we slept together, and he's been exclusive, i've hooked up with two other guys, one in my own bed, one al fresco on Valentines day, and made out with a man in the corridor outside his room. Not to mention the numerous other people i've shared drunken makout sessions with in the union and in bars and flirty email and text exchanges with old conquests. (The newly singletons Daniel and Nice Guy)

Actually, looking at that written down, i'm a bit of a bitch. If he'd done what i'd done i'd had finished it - hypocritical i know.

The good news is that we kinda almost sorta said that we loved each other. Well, kind of. We basically told each other that we knew the other was in love. He started it. We were having a long conversation, the kind i can usually only get out of him with water torture, and i admitted that i adored him. He went one step further and corrected me, told me that i was feeling the big L. I admitted it and asked how he felt, he said he was unable to feel love for anyone. This is something that he's always maintained, that his heart is now stone.

I thought about this for a while as we talked and for some reason things became clearer than they've been this whole time. It's like i finally managed to read into what he was trying(?) to tell me. I rolled over and told him that it was okay, that i knew he was nuts about me.

Me: Go on, say it. Ruby, i'm nuts about you.
Him: Snarf, I'm conkers about you.

(Snarf, from thundercats, is his nickname for me...)

I told him that i got it now, that i knew he was just as in love with me as i was with him only he didn't want to form a relationship because it would end and he didn't want to be hurt again.
(FYI, this is pretty fucking deep coming from me)

He was silent for a moment, just staring straight ahead, then said, "Well you've pretty much hit the nail on the head there".

So, as declarations of love go, how did we do?

_____

Him: You've pretty much hit the nail on the head there. Haven't you ever wondered why i haven't written a song about you yet?
Me: ...
Him: Think about it, you'll get it.
Me: ... You only write about things that depress you?
Him: Exactly. You make me happy.

Truth

2009-02-15T06:23:00.000-08:00

From this week's postsecret:

Holla.

Valentines

2009-02-14T21:46:00.000-08:00

Badbadbadbadbadbadbadbadbadbadbad!!!

I just rolled in at 6am with grass stains all over the back of my coat.

God i fucking love Valentines day!

So over it

2009-02-12T18:54:00.000-08:00

Yes, i am so over this.

DON'T tell me you like me, that i'm the only one you want and then not. do. anything.

DON'T ignore my advances, act all platonic like nothing happened, when something really really did.

I'm not even upset about you anymore, just pissed off. If you like me that much then why don't you try acting on it once in a while? I get that you're shy, but we've gone through enough for you to know it's okay to get closer to me. I wont hurt you, i wont reject you, just give it a go.

Actually, don't. Because i can see it now - everything that was wrong with this that i was too close to see. I got some perspective and, i'm going to lie, you're not enough for me.

This whole time i've focused myself on making you happy, on what it is that you want. But that's not right, this is completely selfish. What do i want? Well, not your moods, not your sullen face, not your silence.

I need someone who actively wants me as much as i want them. I need someone who's less of a social retard than you, i need a fellow life and soul. I need a partner in crime, not a warden.

I'm going to be your friend still, we will hang, i'm sure you'll get drunk now and then and come onto me but i will reject it. I'm going back on the prowl, i'm going to find other people. Some i will kiss, some i will bring back to our home. If this makes you wake up then good, but it's unlikely i'll be in the mood to reconsider.

That felt really good! Here's a little something to illustrate what i feel is wrong with us:

Sorry for the purging guys, but it had to be done!

RCX

Cutie

2009-01-30T19:58:00.001-08:00

So I kinda brought someone else home. Almost.

Since The Housemate is being a moody little bitch I decided to go and rave it up. Met the most beautious man - looks like Michael McIntyre only younger and much cuter. He's friends with the Fireman, used to be a rugby boy here before he graduated and got a local well-paying job.

He used the old 'Can I just use your bathroom' line and we made out in my darkened hallway, The Housemate's room just a few feet away.

I'm not sure why I didn't let him stay, just too tired, too conflicted, and he's too pretty. I know it's strange but I have this theory that as long as they're not too lovely I wont get too attached.

The Housemate's low libido is so at odds with my own that i have a real hard time feeling guilty about all this - so long as he doesn't know.

That's probably why I didn't let him stay - didn't want The Housemate to see him the next morning, didn't want to cause him any hurt.

Because i know what is going to happen, no matter how hung up I am on him (and I really really am) I will find someone else before he does, no matter how permanent, and i'm going to hurt him. He'll say he's fine with it, that we were nothing serious, but our chats will get shorter, our time together more awkward, he'll disengage and become reclusive. He'll probably write a song about some Bitch-Whore who broke his heart.

Thing is i'm not a whore, and only a moderate bitch. He's the only man i've ever slept with and for good reason. But I get bored, I get itchy and I have to be held, have to feel someone. It doesn't matter who and it doesn't matter how I get there, their feelings and agenda don't factor.

I guess that's why The Housemate is fucking me up so much, i've gotten waaaaay too close to him. When he's hurting i'm hurting, when he leaves the house at night without warning i'm worrying about him. He's going to turn me into one of those concerned obsessive women, and I refuse to let that happen

Hooked

2009-01-25T19:20:00.000-08:00

I feel like i should feel a lot more guilty than i do.

A couple of weeks ago The Housemate and i got trashed together - he led me away and told me that he liked me, that he wanted me and that i was the only girl he was going to be with from now on. He'd been thinking a lot over Christmas (while i was thinking about calling it a day due to his lack of interest) and had concluded that we get each other, that i am the only girl he wants.

Cue explosions and happiness, a grin that wouldn't leave my face for days.

I got what a wanted. He said he only wants me, that i'm all he wants and needs, I got the monogamy from him that i wanted and now... he's gone. He hasn't been in the house for about two weeks (his family home is 20mins away and he's been busy with artwork there). I never said that i was only with him, so can you blame me for indulging in some hookups?

I know, it's a bullshit excuse. It's the excuse that cheating men use the world over - oh but you weren't there.

But i get it now. He's the one i want. When hooking up with people, his is the body that i want to be holding, the body i'm fantasising about, but that doesn't change the fact that he's not here and that i am horny. (Ugh, hate that word)

I never understood before, but dick just don't taste quite so sweet anymore. He's turning me from a whore to a fucking domesticated feline.

Or maybe if he turns up i could be his whore, that idea really appeals.

I've mentioned before, in my old old blog, that i tend to hookup for one reason - boredom. It's rarely because i genuinely like the guy (i know very very well that sex doesn't get you love!), in fact if i really like them i get all coy, not by design but because i just come over all shy. These hookups i've been having are for this very reason, i'm bored and want to get off.

Housemate and I hooked up very soon after knowing each other, but then i was drunk and it was my 21st birthday! But we know each other now, and i want to know more. I want him here trapped in my bedroom, i want us to spend at least a week in bed with nothing to do but each other.

I could have had sex twice in the past week, in fact that was what i thought i'd be doing now i'm all 'broken in' and shit - just get the first one out of the way and go at it, that was the plan. Find a nice guy, figure out how it all works and go out on the prowl. But no, i picked one that i've gotten stuck on. It's such a gender fuck too - i'm doing the chasing and seducing, he's the one i can't get a hold on.

Until he's a little drunk of course - then his confidence comes out and he's holding me down - nothing hotter than a man who can hold you down. He's starting to tap into this confidence more and more with me but it's not fucking enough!

So, to conclude this insanely drunken and sexually frustrated rant, I want the Housemate. He wants me. He's not here. I am a slut. End.

Love X

Fail II

2009-01-25T19:15:00.001-08:00

The other guy had been a guy i hardly knew. A lot of vodka and tequila found me in my bedroom till eight in the morning sucking a man who was far too drunk to come (epic fail). His finger banging left me sore for two days, still fucking worth it - the hickeys i left on his neck (and other miscellaneous places) have turned me into some sort of legend;

'Oh MFG, you got with HIM?!'

Just don't tell The Housemate - k?

Fail

2009-01-25T19:09:00.000-08:00

His fingers pulled at the hem of my dress, pulling it up to my waist as he kissed me again. I ran my hands over his amazingly muscular body (a fireman ftw) and slid one hand into his trousers. In the brightly lit hallway, my friends all in the next room, i took hold of his dick and began to stroke it rhythmically, just a little something to remember me by on his long walk home.

He asked if he could stay over, but i felt that two strange men in one week was pushing it.

Man, i suck at monogamy.

The Six Month Itch

2009-01-10T10:50:00.000-08:00

My self imposed monogamy is starting to make me itchy.

I can't see it being very long before I snap.

The Housemate and I are not together, we're not dating, we're barely lovers. But, for some reason, i've been taking it upon myself to put the rest of my love life on hold just-in-case he emotionally matures overnight and declares his undying adoration to me.

I miss the thrills that used to be so regular during the previous two years, eyes connecting with a stranger, dancing with someone who hasn't been able to stop looking at you, jovial and easy banter (which i am SO awesome at). Lingering touches. Ending up on a bed with someone at a houseparty and feeling them draw deliberately closer. Working out someone's kinks for the first time. First kisses First touches. Fire.

I'm in an odd position that the guy i'm interested in isn't driven by his penis. This is strange for me as i'm rather used to guys who are... well... like me. I'm not sex mad but my life is built on a beautiful foundation of flirting and heat. I'm getting flashbacks to watching Coffee and Cigarettes with Hob Guy, 'alleviating the boredom' with Lloyd, being pressed against an outside wall with Nice Guy's fingers inside me.

I've been on flirting overload the past few days like a bitch on heat, ended up in so many situations where I could have taken it a lot further, but my control is starting to loosen, i'm starting to not care about The Housemate. And it's normally that point in the obsession when I start to loose interest.

Cupid's Chokehold

2009-01-04T03:19:00.000-08:00

I know that the Housemate and I are not long for this world so i've been looking into the perfect breakup/getting over songs - as it stands the clear shouting winner is Katy Perry's UR so Gay, mainly because it's absolutely apt, apt i tell you!

He's feminine, he spends more time in front of a mirror than I do, he writes poetry, he's 'sensitive', he wears skinny jeans (although not so much anymore, my influence) in fact i could go on and on about all the things that don't thrill me about him but, for some strange reason, none of them seem to matter that much. It sounds awful but I don't see those things when i'm with him, I see him and what he's essentially about inside. I see someone who in many ways is just like me, and that's why i'm having a hard time weaning myself off him. I'm in a chokehold but it is starting to loosen up a little. (The fact that when he's very drunk he sometimes kisses boys doesn't hurt much either. What can I say, I love a good floor show)

But in more general news, Katy Perry and Travis McCoy split! This deeply upsets me as they were a fantasy blueprint for me and the Housemate, if those crazy kids can't make it work then... well it doesn't effect me at all, but it's still sad.
Perhaps this is a lesson to all - it's a bad idea to write a song about your girlfriend, and an especially bad idea to release it with her in the video. It's like dating for over a year and then changing your facebook status', the ultimate jinx.

Out with the old

2008-12-28T07:22:00.000-08:00

Fresh start, clean slate and all that. Yo ho, me hearties, yo ho.

RCX